could not longer hold on to the strong front anymore. i could simply break down and cry as loud as i want. It's because i'm afraid of breaking down. Although i tried to let it go, but the months that we are together and spent our craziest time. i realised that i still have friends who care for me. i didnt know i can gained friends by not liking the same idols, but we have things to talk about. Not only idols, but till now, it's different case. It's different now. I'm typing this blog while crying. Crying over the stupid things i have done, just because of those things it ended up this way. blaming myself for being the bad person, i failed as a person. I could no longer reach out to them.

Used to cling onto ah jie a lot till when she has a boyfriend, things become different. She further her distance away from me. Not telling me things anymore due to having a boyfriend. I'm really depressed whenever this happens. Keep reminding her that she's not alone because she still have me a good sister that we knew each other for almost 8 years! Managed to get in contact with her after so long and hanging out together after we are free is really nice. Because i have not spend time with her this way ever since 2009. Mummy missed her too. I wanna talk her about my things badly but i'm afraid of breaking down in front of her because what i have gone through is not as bad as hers. her one is bad then mine. Mine is only friends relationship, family problems. But her, as compared to her i cant describe the pain she went through before. Of losing a precious one due to a person even though the precious one is unexpected. But i can feel her pain, because i really dislike/hate when someone does that. It's always on my hatelist. Because i knew i would never do that, because of her situation she had no choice to do so. I would cry with her because i knew that i'm a sister to her, and even though i was never by her side when she was suffering because i didnt know. I was always there, phone is always by my side, just a phone call i will be right next to her. I made a phone call to her that day, she came to me. Even though we didnt chat as much as last time. But the feeling is so warm and how i wish i can cry in front of her due to all the things i went through. But i hold on to my tears. Because i dont know how to tell her.

All these while, i'm really depressed really depressed whatever i have done. Crying in my dreams recently, crying alone at night while listening to music, wanna cry whenever i see those tweets, although i know it's referring to me. Correct me if it's not referring to me. I have never ever felt so heartache before after 2 years ago. the heartache is making me so unbearable and i couldnt stop thinking about it. What did i done wrong? Just tell me? I wanna change this stupid idiot self of mine to make it better. I will change and change and change!!