Thursday, July 21, 2011
10:17 PM
I'm just feeling really upset this few days. thought that i wont be so troubled. But i realised that i'm not as strong as what faci says to me. I'm unable to make these situations better. In fact, everything has changed, it has gone out of ways of it should be. I'm unable to handle all these things anymore. I feel like giving up. Can i? I just feel like giving up everything and goes out of everyone existence. Because of my presence, it just turned out badly. i gave my friends bad impression, but none of them understand what i'm facing. Scolding me when they are not in my shoes. Saying theirs situation is the same. If you are in these situations would you people be as tough as it is? I came to such a long way already and i begin to feel so restless and tired of everything. Just wanna put everything to an end. But can i?
When i'm smiling, it's not the real me? imgaine that you have to put on a mask for the whole day, the moment you got home is just all crying, irritated, angry and moodless face. Would you be able to survive these days? I tried to survive. but what did i got? i expect nothing to be returned to me. All i want is just love, care and concern from my friends and family. I just feel like getting the burden off me. Whenever i thought of it, i couldnt bear to do it. Because i think of lot of factors. Wouldnt it be a waste? I'm feeling really really scared. But who will understand? No one. All i want is a hug, a shoulder to cry on. I used to have people to confine in but now i have no one at all. i regretted everything and everything. i let time to heal it, but it couldnt heal at all. the pain and the scar is getting deeper and deeper. My heart is bleeding. Can anyone stop the bleed? I have tried to think of all the positives points, but it seems that more and more negatives points came out. what can i do? always hiding in one corner crying, crying in my dreams, breaking down to cry when there's no one at home. I tried to force my tears not to drop. But right now i cant seems to hold on anymore.
I'm really scared. Really scared of everything. I couldnt do it well. I'm really blaming myself for not putting in enough effort. I'm to be blame. Whatever i do, it's not going well. It's better not to have my existence right? How i wish i was not here. Couldnt hold on anymore. Breaking down in any moments.
Labels: really tired.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
11:21 PM
could not longer hold on to the strong front anymore. i could simply break down and cry as loud as i want. It's because i'm afraid of breaking down. Although i tried to let it go, but the months that we are together and spent our craziest time. i realised that i still have friends who care for me. i didnt know i can gained friends by not liking the same idols, but we have things to talk about. Not only idols, but till now, it's different case. It's different now. I'm typing this blog while crying. Crying over the stupid things i have done, just because of those things it ended up this way. blaming myself for being the bad person, i failed as a person. I could no longer reach out to them.
Used to cling onto ah jie a lot till when she has a boyfriend, things become different. She further her distance away from me. Not telling me things anymore due to having a boyfriend. I'm really depressed whenever this happens. Keep reminding her that she's not alone because she still have me a good sister that we knew each other for almost 8 years! Managed to get in contact with her after so long and hanging out together after we are free is really nice. Because i have not spend time with her this way ever since 2009. Mummy missed her too. I wanna talk her about my things badly but i'm afraid of breaking down in front of her because what i have gone through is not as bad as hers. her one is bad then mine. Mine is only friends relationship, family problems. But her, as compared to her i cant describe the pain she went through before. Of losing a precious one due to a person even though the precious one is unexpected. But i can feel her pain, because i really dislike/hate when someone does that. It's always on my hatelist. Because i knew i would never do that, because of her situation she had no choice to do so. I would cry with her because i knew that i'm a sister to her, and even though i was never by her side when she was suffering because i didnt know. I was always there, phone is always by my side, just a phone call i will be right next to her. I made a phone call to her that day, she came to me. Even though we didnt chat as much as last time. But the feeling is so warm and how i wish i can cry in front of her due to all the things i went through. But i hold on to my tears. Because i dont know how to tell her.
All these while, i'm really depressed really depressed whatever i have done. Crying in my dreams recently, crying alone at night while listening to music, wanna cry whenever i see those tweets, although i know it's referring to me. Correct me if it's not referring to me. I have never ever felt so heartache before after 2 years ago. the heartache is making me so unbearable and i couldnt stop thinking about it. What did i done wrong? Just tell me? I wanna change this stupid idiot self of mine to make it better. I will change and change and change!!
Labels: heartbrokennnnnnn
